Answering all of Life's Questions

 

Acelegin; Hello, everybody! I'm Acelegin. And I am yet again joined by my co-host, Red Daniel!

Red Daniel; Wait a minute... didn't we both die last year?

Acelegin; I have no idea what you're talking about.

Red Daniel; You got crushed to death! By a giant ball! And I got impaled by a flaming wakizashi! Again!

Acelegin; You and I remember last year very differently.

Red Daniel; And we fought to death a year or two before that! How the hell are we back?

Acelegin; I'm not sure what you're going on about. Are you sure you're sober right now?

Red Daniel; Of course I'm not! But I could swear we've both been killed off twice in previous fearniversaries!

Acelegin shrugs

Acelegin; I don't know what to tell you, man.

Red Daniel sighs

Red Daniel; So what, are we back to commentate on another fight?

Acelegin; Um, let me check my notes real quick...

Acelegin skims over some papers in front of him

Acelegin; Actually, it seems we'll be commentating on a date.

Red Daniel; A date? Between who and who?

Acelegin; Well, it seems that for this fearniversary, Omega will be dating Fears.

Red Daniel; Isn't he that dude who keeps dying? You know, like us these past few years?

Acelegin; Still don't know what you're talking about, but I believe that's our guy.

Red Daniel; Okay, so which Fear is he dating today?

Acelegin checks his notes again

Acelegin; The Answer.

Red Daniel; The Answer is like, four different Fears. Which of them is he dating?

Acelegin; The Answer.

Red Daniel remains silent for a moment

Red Daniel; So... all four of them?

Acelegin; It would appear so.

Red Daniel; Well, this oughta be fun.

Acelegin; Yep. Just so long as nobody unexpected shows up to crash the date.

Red Daniel shoots a glare at Acelegin

Red Daniel; WHY would you jinx it like that!?

Acelegin; What do you mean? There's no way this date could possibly go wrong.

Acelegin checks his notes again

Acelegin; It seems this date will be taking place at the outdoor patio of Sal's bar and grill.

Red Daniel; Oh hey! I work there! When did they get an outdoor patio?

Acelegin; It was a recent addition.

Red Daniel; Ah, I see. Why not dine inside?

Acelegin; The House of Fortune can't fit through the door.

Red Daniel; That checks out. It looks like Omega has arrived, and is being seated.

Acelegin; The Unbounded Face has arrived next, and they seem to be discussing whether they should order drinks now, or wait for the others.

Red Daniel; The House of Fortune and the Woman in the Wind have now arrived. The King in the Mountain seems to be running late.

Acelegin; They've gone ahead and ordered some wine while they wait. I'm no expert on wine, but that looks like an expensive bottle.

Red Daniel; Pfft... I've seen what Sal's got on hand. That bottle is middle shelf at best.

Acelegin; It seems that the King in the Mountain has arrived, and seems to have some bloodstains on him. Not gonna question that...

Red Daniel; Okay, it seems like everyone is ready to order now. Omega has ordered a plate of fries for the table, and has order one of Sal's classic steak sandwiches.

Acelegin; The Unbounded Face's various faces are arguing among themselves about what to order. It seems the server will have to get back to them...

Red Daniel; The House of Fortune, meanwhile, has ordered a loaded baked potato, while the Woman in the Wind has ordered literally everything on the menu.

Acelegin; She must be hungry. Unlike the King in the Mountain, who seems to just be enjoying his water, and doesn't want to order anything else.

Red Daniel; Okay, looking back at the Unbounded Face, it seems they've agreed to order desert. Although, now it seems they can't decide between the cheesecake, crème brulee, or carrot cake.

Acelegin; It looks like Sal has noticed, and come over to diffuse the situation. He's spoken to the Unbounded Face, and has managed to sell all of its faces on his green tea sherbet.

Red Daniel; Crisis averted.

Acelegin; Sal returns to the kitchen to begin preparing their meals. While their server fetches them some more wine.

Red Daniel; In not much time at all, everyone's food has arrived, and everyone is getting set to dig in.

Acelein; The Woman in the Wind quickly inhales all of her food. And all of everyone else's food... And the plates and silverware... and the table... And the server...

Red Daniel; Oh no! Not Travis! He was my fourth favorite coworker!

Suddenly, there's a large burst of smoke from a distance away. From inside the smoke, the shadows of several tentacle can be seen, and nightmarish screaming can be heard. The shadows fade and the screaming quiets down as the smoke begins to clear, and the figure of a young man steps from the smoke. He has dark, messy hair, a strange device strapped to his left forearm, and a wild look in his eyes. He gives Omega a menacing grin.

Acelegin; No way! Is that...?

Red Daniel; Oh God! Why him!? Of all of your characters, why did it have to be him.

The mysterious man raises a hand, pointing to Omega.

Wild-eyed Man; Omega! The Unlucky Man! Dyer of countless deaths! My name is Gordon Tayler, and I challenge you to a duel!

Red Daniel sighs heavily

Red Daniel; Ace, why do card games keep happening around you?

Acelegin; I don't know man. I don't have any control over it. Anyway, it seems Omega has accepted this sudden challenge, and the Answer, showing their support, have transformed themselves into a deck of Yu'Gi-Oh cards and a duel disk.

Red Daniel; This is ridiculous. Can I go home?

Acelegin; No. Anyway, it seems Gordon has taken the first move, and has used a card combo so bring out the mighty Cthalpa Dragon.

Red Daniel; Ugh, I guess we're doing thiss now...

Red Daniel straightens up

Red Daniel; Okay, it's now Omega's turn. He's fusion summoned the unbounded face, which is slightly stronger than Gordon's scary lava dragon. Omega's attacking, destroying the dragon and dealing some damage. He's also managed to increase his life points a bit.

Acelegin; Back to Gordon. Gordon's done a fusion summon of his own, using Dragon's Mirror to bring out Shub-Nigurath Dragon. He's powered her up with a card effect, and is about to attack, but Omega had a trap card ready to negate it. It's now Omega's turn again, and he's synchro summoned the Woman in the Wind.

Red Daniel; He just used a card effect to weaken Gordon's Dragon, allowing the Woman to absorb it, gaining a power boost. He's now attacking with both his monster. Gordon managed to stop one attack, but took the other one head on, putting a big dent in his life points.

Acelegin; Gordon's turn again. He's used an elaborate combo to bring out a synchro monster of his own, Nyarlathotep Dragon. He's activated his monster's effect, attempting to destroy one of Omega's monsters, but Omega had a counter ready to negate it. Gordon has set a couple cards and ended his turn.

Red Daniel; Omega has now performed an xyz summon, bringing out the King in the Mountain, in defense mode. The King's effect give a slight power boost to all of Omega's monsters, allowing them to beat over Gordon's dragon. Gordon managed to use his set cards to stay in the game, but just barely.

Acelegin; Omega also managed to gain a ton of life points, putting him way ahead of Gordon. It's now Gordon' turn, and he's performed yet another complex combo to bring out his own xyz monster, the Evil Deity King, Cthulhu Gd Dragon.

Red Daniel; Whoo hoo! Tentacle monsters for the win!

Acelegin; It isn't enough though, as Omega has used a trap card to lock down the Dragon, and prevent Gordon from summoning any further this turn. Gordon begrudgingly sets the last card in his hand, and ends his turn.

Red Daniel; Omega's turn again. He's now pendulum summoned the House of Fortune, and is going all out with his three attack position monsters. Gordon's dragon is destroyed, and Gordon was barely able to keep his life points intact with a well-timed trap card.

Acelegin; As it currently stands, Gordon has only 100 life points, controls no cards, and has no cards in his hand. Omega, on the other hand, currently has 15,400 life points, and controls 4 Fear cards.

Red Daniel; That's one hell of a gap!

Acelegin closely his eyes and exhales slowly

Acelegin; He never stood a chance...

Red Daniel; Oh, yeah, Gordon's fucked!

Acelegin opens his eyes

Acelegin; That's not what I meant...

Red Daniel; Nani?

Acelegin stands up, grabbing his microphone and bringing it in close

Acelegin; Time to take this last turn seriously.

Acelegin clears his throat

Acelegin; Gordon has drawn for his draw phase, and activated the effect of Hastur Dragon! By banishing it from his hand, he can draw two cards, but must discard any of them that aren't dragon types! One of the cards drawn was a spell card, so he's discarded it. However, the discarded card, Vital Overlay, has an effect that be activated from the graveyard! By banishing it, Gordon can add an Overlay spell or trap card from his deck to his hand! The card he's chosen is Overlay Necromancy! By using this card, he's able to revive Cthulhu God Dragon, and attach up to three of his banished monsters to it as xyz materials! Gordon's banished Hastur, Azathoth, and Aphoom-Zhah Dragon's have become materials for Cthulhu!

Red Daniel; Huh... I guess he's starting to make a comeback...

Acelegin; He's just getting started. Since Omega's life points are higher than Gordon's by more than 2000, Gordon can now upgrade Cthulhu God Dragon into the Ultimate Evil Deity, Chaos God Cthulhu! By using Cthulhu's effect, he can detach materials from him, up to the number of monster's his opponent controls! Gordon has detached all of his material, putting Cthulhu at a whopping 7500 attack points!

Red Daniel; So, he needs have lower life points than his opponent to summon this thing, and it benefits from his opponent controlling a bunch of monsters? It's like this guy's boss monster was designed to be at a disadvantage.

Acelegin; Gordon has now used the effect of Ghatanothoa Dragon from his hand, allawing Cthulhu to attack all of Omega's monsters once each, starting with the King of the Mountain! Omega tries to prevent this with Mirror Force, but since Cthulhu can't be destroyed by trap cards, the attack continues, and Cthulhu pummels the King into gravel with his bare hands!

Red Daniel; But I thought Fear cards could only be destroyed by other Fear cards.

Acelegin; Cthulhu can negate the effects of monsters he battles. Since the King was in defense mode, Omega doesn't take any damage, but his other monsters now lose the power boost the gained from him. Cthulhu is now targeting the Woman in the Wind, ripping the server from earlier out of her stomach, and eating her alive!

Red Daniel; Oh, good! Travis is still alive!

Acelegin; Omega receives 5400 damage from that attack, bringing him down to 10,000 life points. Cthulhu is now using eldritch magic to turn all of the Unbounded Face's into butts, that it is now proceeding to kick!

Red Daniel; Huh. What an interesting defeat...

Acelegin; Omega takes 4700 damage from that attack, reducing him to 5300 life points. Cthulhu is now casting a spell, transforming the House of Fortune into a D20, which is now being forced to roll itself for a stealth check. It has rolled a nat 1, alerting a group of kobolds to its presence. The kobolds are now beating the D20 to death.

Red Daniel; That seems a bit unnecessary. Cthulhu could've just punched the House, and that would have been the end of it.

Acelegin shrugs

Acelegin; Cthulhu works in mysterious ways. Anyway, that attack dealt 5300 damage, knocki9ng out the last of Omega's life points. Cthulhu has now picked up Omega and torn him in half.

Red Daniel; Brutal...

Acelegin; Eh, nothing to worry about. It's Omega! He'll be alive again soon.

Red Daniel; Like us, when we inevitably die again?

Acelegin; Die again? Whatever do you mean? Our lives aren't in any kind of danger.

Red Daniel; Oh really? Because, uh...

Red Daniel points to the sky

Red Daniel; That looks like a meteor comi9ng toward us...

Acelegin; Oh, that's probably just a lens flare.

Red Daniel; Ace...

Acelegin; Or maybe sunlight reflecting off a satellite.

Red Daniel; It's getting hotter...

Acelegin; Someone must've turned up the thermostat.

Red Daniel; We're outside...

Acelegin; Yes. And?

Red Daniel; Dude, why are you playing so dumb about our repetitive deaths!?

Acelegin slams his fists down on the desk in front of him

Acelegin; BECAUSE DENIAL IS MY ONLY WAY OF COPING WITH IT!!!

Red Daniel; Uh... oh...

Acelegin calms himself

Acelegin; So, got any plans after this?

Red Daniel; Considering a meteor's about to kill us both, no. I do not.

Acelegin; What meteor? You must be hallucinating from all the drugs.

Red Daniel; I hate you...

A meteor crashes into the announcer's booth, killing Acelegin and Red Daniel